How to handle

Hi, my name is Tonya and i have had my vad implanted 1 year and 5 days ago. And since then i have had chronic driveline infections and within the last 2 months i have had 2 diffrent surgery's, 1. Cause i had a brain bleed( just from hitting my head on a cabinet door, ) so i had to have emergency surgery for that . Then i had to have surgery to move my drive line because i had a pocket of inflection( thats why i had all thoses infections) and getting my wound cleaned and changed is painful as hell. honestly some days i wonder why i did this. And seems that every times i am over one hurdle for transplant list another one pops up, first it was quit smoking( i did that, been smoke free for 13 months) now lose more weight. Some days i am like why did i do this, i cant take anymore. Some days i am tired, tired of fighting,tired of taking precautions,tired of sitting in the house, tired of not any vacations Tired of being sick and tired. I can honestly say in the mist of my shyt show i met someone who seems to be decent. Holds my hand when i am crying during dressing changes, gets on me when o haven't weighted myself, havent taking my meds on time. Its nice. I know there will be better days . and i thank GOD everyday for waking me to face another day. I'm grateful but i am feeling like is this ever gonna end? I have had CHF since 2002 with an injection fraction rate of 15 -20%. I was active, working, traveling. Its hard.Even though i have people around i am bored cause before all this started i had just moved to a new town , so all this happened 1 month after i moved here.I am also glad i found this site to ask questions and vent. I am finally ok with ( good days) that i have all this extra equipment to carry( more embarrassed cause of the stares) then i am trying to embrace it. I am grateful. And thankful for this site, to find people in my situation and can understanding where i am coming from. Thank you for reading and letting me vent. I would appreciate any advice on how to get thru theses feelings. Once again thank you.