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Ryan S. Pediatric Patient

Hope things get better

I’ve had congestive heart failure since 2015 and had a heart attack 2015 at the age of 35. I received an ICD also in 2015. I had an lvad put in on August 13, 2021. For a year prior to getting my VAD I was in and out of the hospital. Around Christmas 2020 I was in the hospital with a heart rate of around 150 for two weeks. I went into cardiogenic shock twice. Since then I’ve nearly died and been shocked by the diffibrillator so many times I’ve lost count. I know I have many more lives than a cat. After all of this I was told I had end phase heart failure but was too fat for lvad. So from February 2020 to August 2020 I lost 100 pounds. When I got my lvad it was on the spot because I was on my way out. The doctor said I wouldn’t leave the hospital without it because I’d be dead. I consider myself extremely blessed to have made it through all of this, however, since all of this on top of my lung collapsing twice weeks after the VAD surgery, regaining 20 pounds of what I’d lost, and being shocked 10 times in the past month I’ve become extremely depressed. I’m sick mentally. I guess it hit me all at once. I walk around crying a lot for no reason. I’ve never felt this way. As thankful as I am to be alive I’m equally depressed about how my life has turned out. I was once an electrician that made a great living working for sub contractors in power distribution plants. Now I feel completely useless and a burden to my wife. Sometimes I regret still being here. I guess none of what I say makes since beings I’m thankful to be alive still.
 

Alright that’s enough being vocal about my own sorrows. I know many people have it a lot worse than me and I have no right at all to feel this way. May the lord Jesus Christ bless you all. Thanks to anyone that took the time to read this depressing garbage.
 

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Rosa A.

Ryan it ok to talk about it. Please don't be ashamed. This is hard to deal with. My husband had his lvad in June 2021. And he never talks about it. But I take care of him as he is an advance patient. And I always ask him how are you? And he says good. Even when he can't hardly walk. I cry for him. I stay awake, I worry,and I do all the things that need to be done. But he is not a burden to me. Because I love him. and I am sure your wife love you. Go to God in prayer. He hears our prayers.  Take care. And do what you can.

 

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Adrienne H.

Hi friend. I just want to say that you are completely valid in feeling however you feel. It sounds like you’ve been through a tremendous amount of difficulty, and body trauma which of course I would imagine would transfer to built up emotional trauma as well. And it sounds like you’ve got a weighing feeling on you of feeling burdensome to your loved ones, but let me remind you - as a person who has a loved one with lvad and very similar life experiences to you-  I feel that the person that I care take for lvad has changed my life for better and though it’s so tragic to have to experience all of the things that my person has, I’m grateful he’s still here , and I feel so so honored to be able to show love and care to that person. I imagine it’s the same for your wife and anyone that has caretaken you- it’s an opportunity and an honor to be in that position. Circumstances in life can be so so unfair, but with them blossoms new life new meaning new opportunities to really show up for our loved ones. I hope this makes sense and is helpful in some way... but again. You are so valid in feeling sad, and the conflicting experience of being grateful and blessed while also feeling depressed- you are valid in feeling anything you feel. If I could recommend one thing, I’d say that working with a specialist that works in body trauma and the emotional trauma that stems from it may be helpful, some kind of therapist that can help you with your rebirth and new life. Thank you for sharing your heart, your experiences, your difficulties and your triumphs.